Precious days

Nothing more important than health. Then comes our relationship and family. Even community is next. The house, and financial issues are down there on the list for what good is it all without health, love, family & friends. Let’s get over it. Not sleeping, not playing, being depressed, not enjoying our lives. What a waste! This is it! There are our precious days. Let’s not forget what really matters here.

I have this theory that at very moment we choose either aliveness or deadness. Every moment. What are you choosing right now? I’m choosing aliveness. I want to live. I want to embrace my life, whatever that looks like. Where will we live? How will we manage? Will we still have the comforts we need? It’s unusual for us to not know, but not knowing is not the same as nothing. Things will happen, unexpected things. Good things. Surprises. Happy surprises. We might like what happens next. ‘ It sometimes happens that good things happen to somebody.’ (Harvey’s counseling tool). ‘It sometimes happens that good things happen to somebody.” Just to let in the possibility.

I sometimes imagine that we are being witnessed from above, me and Don. Like we’re being watched. Like there’s a force that finds us some how delightful. ' Look at those guys trying to figure it out. They are trying so hard.' Now I’m thinking it’s all a matter of luck. Sometimes we’re lucky. Sometimes we’re not. All this strategizing, all this talk, all this planning. Sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn’t. We are not in control. That is the illusion—that somehow we’re in control of all this. How foolish we are. Don’t we know that it is not in our control? We must know that. So if we know that, perhaps we should learn how to surrender?

The thing is we have a certain amount of free will. We have it for a reason. I think we’re supposed to try to do the best we can. We’re supposed to think. But then. It’s about then, we’re supposed to (I guess) cut loose. You do the best thinking you can, you consult with people who may know more, you do your research, etc. You make decisions and then you cut loose. You don’t get to know if you were right or not. Not until you’re lying there on your deathbed.

Don’s gotten into this blame thing. First he was just blaming himself. Now he’s blaming us together. Like we didn’t do the right things. So now he doesn’t trust us to think well. He’s second guessing every single thing. And now, so am I. Should we sell, should we wait? Can I trust my own thinking? If not, who do I listen to? Who knows more than me? In our defense, we had some serious setbacks that were out of our control. Yeah, we chose a too big house to build. But we were going to be reps for the company we bought it from. That went up in flames with a nasty lawsuit not of our making, but which we’ve gotten embroiled in much to our dismay. (another story). Then all our investments tanked. Every one of them. We lost all our sources of income in a matter of months. Recession. We got caught in the recession. It all could have worked out, if it worked out. We could have pulled it off.

Well, anyway, it’s time to move on. Tomorrow a realtor will come to give us the lowdown. We will listen and we will make decisions. Tomorrow.