There's an elegant solution to every problem

It appears we're trying to hold on to the house. We've reasoned that it just seems to make sense to not upset our lives with trying to suddenly sell our house. If we can sell the land, we have some time.

We've made a budget. It's not pretty, and it doesn't come close to balancing. We're trying to figure out how to bring in more income. We've put the land up on Craigslist http://sfbay.craigslist.org/nby/reo/1677488395.html. Don's going back to work doing jobs for a few neighbors--building a bathroom, doing a water purification system. He's still strong and can work, and he has so many skills. And I've put together a VRBO web page to rent out our home for vacation rental. We already have one booking. (Here's a link http://www.vrbo.com/294966) Not that I love the idea of renting out our home to complete strangers. Not that we've actually figured out where we'll go when we rent out the house.

We are definitely struggling. When I say let's sell the house, Don admits he would rather sell the house. Because really, he'd rather keep the land, even though selling the house is this huge project that he feels he can't really have ready for about another year. We have to first build a garage, do landscaping, fencing, clear out the barn...etc. etc.

It's confusing. When we decide (every other day) to sell it, we feel terrible. Here we've finally made the home of our dreams and now we have to give it all up. When we decide to not sell, I'm still not happy. Why? Because I have conflicted feelings about being here. I love this place. I love this house. No conflicts there. We have friends, feel connected, have a community of people around us. Hell, what then do I want? Well, I want the books to balance for one thing. I don't want us to have to use all our precious energy during this important time in our lives just to support this house. No house is that important.

Speaking for myself, and I do believe this is the truth of the matter: it's a time in my life when I want freedom. Freedom to do art, write, play music, dance, garden, take my girl to New York for her 35th birthday, hang out with my grandbaby. On the rare day when there's enough slack for me to have that kind of freedom, I get pretty happy.

I do have to admit that I sometimes struggle with a sense of isolation living out here. I lack important resources here, like a gym to work out at, like going to movies, lectures, openings, walking places, or at least not driving for an hour to get anywhere. But I'm not happy about starting over somewhere else at my age.

What nags at me every day is missing Parker. I know that we are missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime to have her in our lives, and she in ours, in a much bigger way than we do. I am so very sad about this. That Sarah & Gar want us as much as they do warms my heart. My goal as a parent was that when my kid was an adult she would still want to be connected. I am happy that this is how it is. If only they could move to the Bay Area. That would make me sooo happy. I can imagine that for that I would be able to move on from here. If we could figure out a way to get a family place that made them happy, that had a separate space for us... Perhaps, with the sale,we could help out with a big enough down payment that they could afford to live in the Bay. Am I dreaming? Is this a possibility?
Could Gar be happy here?