Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you.-Hafiz

Sarah's 35th Birthday Surprise

My 'son-in-love' invited me to come to Seattle to help surprise Sarah for her 35th birthday. It was a such a win-win idea, and I was so happy to be part of his plans for the day. What a guy! Both Sar & Parker were very surprised, & happy to see me. It was really great that Gar & I were able to pull it off--Sarah's hard to surprise! Gar & Sarah then went off for other birthday adventures, while I got to have lots of special time with Parker. We had such a lovely few days together. I gave her 100% undivided attention and unconditional love. Who wouldn't love that! Here's a video Sarah took the day I was to leave. I don't know if Parker knew that i was leaving. But I knew I was leaving, and in the video I am crying-- at the loss for both of us that this was the end of my visit.

There's an elegant solution to every problem

It appears we're trying to hold on to the house. We've reasoned that it just seems to make sense to not upset our lives with trying to suddenly sell our house. If we can sell the land, we have some time.

We've made a budget. It's not pretty, and it doesn't come close to balancing. We're trying to figure out how to bring in more income. We've put the land up on Craigslist http://sfbay.craigslist.org/nby/reo/1677488395.html. Don's going back to work doing jobs for a few neighbors--building a bathroom, doing a water purification system. He's still strong and can work, and he has so many skills. And I've put together a VRBO web page to rent out our home for vacation rental. We already have one booking. (Here's a link http://www.vrbo.com/294966) Not that I love the idea of renting out our home to complete strangers. Not that we've actually figured out where we'll go when we rent out the house.

We are definitely struggling. When I say let's sell the house, Don admits he would rather sell the house. Because really, he'd rather keep the land, even though selling the house is this huge project that he feels he can't really have ready for about another year. We have to first build a garage, do landscaping, fencing, clear out the barn...etc. etc.

It's confusing. When we decide (every other day) to sell it, we feel terrible. Here we've finally made the home of our dreams and now we have to give it all up. When we decide to not sell, I'm still not happy. Why? Because I have conflicted feelings about being here. I love this place. I love this house. No conflicts there. We have friends, feel connected, have a community of people around us. Hell, what then do I want? Well, I want the books to balance for one thing. I don't want us to have to use all our precious energy during this important time in our lives just to support this house. No house is that important.

Speaking for myself, and I do believe this is the truth of the matter: it's a time in my life when I want freedom. Freedom to do art, write, play music, dance, garden, take my girl to New York for her 35th birthday, hang out with my grandbaby. On the rare day when there's enough slack for me to have that kind of freedom, I get pretty happy.

I do have to admit that I sometimes struggle with a sense of isolation living out here. I lack important resources here, like a gym to work out at, like going to movies, lectures, openings, walking places, or at least not driving for an hour to get anywhere. But I'm not happy about starting over somewhere else at my age.

What nags at me every day is missing Parker. I know that we are missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime to have her in our lives, and she in ours, in a much bigger way than we do. I am so very sad about this. That Sarah & Gar want us as much as they do warms my heart. My goal as a parent was that when my kid was an adult she would still want to be connected. I am happy that this is how it is. If only they could move to the Bay Area. That would make me sooo happy. I can imagine that for that I would be able to move on from here. If we could figure out a way to get a family place that made them happy, that had a separate space for us... Perhaps, with the sale,we could help out with a big enough down payment that they could afford to live in the Bay. Am I dreaming? Is this a possibility?
Could Gar be happy here?

Precious days

Nothing more important than health. Then comes our relationship and family. Even community is next. The house, and financial issues are down there on the list for what good is it all without health, love, family & friends. Let’s get over it. Not sleeping, not playing, being depressed, not enjoying our lives. What a waste! This is it! There are our precious days. Let’s not forget what really matters here.

I have this theory that at very moment we choose either aliveness or deadness. Every moment. What are you choosing right now? I’m choosing aliveness. I want to live. I want to embrace my life, whatever that looks like. Where will we live? How will we manage? Will we still have the comforts we need? It’s unusual for us to not know, but not knowing is not the same as nothing. Things will happen, unexpected things. Good things. Surprises. Happy surprises. We might like what happens next. ‘ It sometimes happens that good things happen to somebody.’ (Harvey’s counseling tool). ‘It sometimes happens that good things happen to somebody.” Just to let in the possibility.

I sometimes imagine that we are being witnessed from above, me and Don. Like we’re being watched. Like there’s a force that finds us some how delightful. ' Look at those guys trying to figure it out. They are trying so hard.' Now I’m thinking it’s all a matter of luck. Sometimes we’re lucky. Sometimes we’re not. All this strategizing, all this talk, all this planning. Sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn’t. We are not in control. That is the illusion—that somehow we’re in control of all this. How foolish we are. Don’t we know that it is not in our control? We must know that. So if we know that, perhaps we should learn how to surrender?

The thing is we have a certain amount of free will. We have it for a reason. I think we’re supposed to try to do the best we can. We’re supposed to think. But then. It’s about then, we’re supposed to (I guess) cut loose. You do the best thinking you can, you consult with people who may know more, you do your research, etc. You make decisions and then you cut loose. You don’t get to know if you were right or not. Not until you’re lying there on your deathbed.

Don’s gotten into this blame thing. First he was just blaming himself. Now he’s blaming us together. Like we didn’t do the right things. So now he doesn’t trust us to think well. He’s second guessing every single thing. And now, so am I. Should we sell, should we wait? Can I trust my own thinking? If not, who do I listen to? Who knows more than me? In our defense, we had some serious setbacks that were out of our control. Yeah, we chose a too big house to build. But we were going to be reps for the company we bought it from. That went up in flames with a nasty lawsuit not of our making, but which we’ve gotten embroiled in much to our dismay. (another story). Then all our investments tanked. Every one of them. We lost all our sources of income in a matter of months. Recession. We got caught in the recession. It all could have worked out, if it worked out. We could have pulled it off.

Well, anyway, it’s time to move on. Tomorrow a realtor will come to give us the lowdown. We will listen and we will make decisions. Tomorrow.

Back from Seattle

On the plane coming back from 8 days in Seattle. The sun is shining and the views out the windows of the plane are spectacular. Snow-capped mountains, Mt. Ranier, Mt. Hood, Mt. Adams, the Three Sisters. Now Mt. Shasta. Snow everywhere. This is a really really special flight today.

Had a wonderful visit with my girls & son in love, Garett. Don was with me for 5 of the days, then needed to get back home. We had a great flat in an area called Tangletown that belongs to Sar’s friends who were out of town. We went to the zoo with Sarah & Parker, took the ferry to Bainbridge Island for brunch, had Solomon & Lauren to our place for pizza, went out for a special dinner, just me and Sar.

A the real highlight was spending quality hang out time with Parker. I got to go to preschool with her twice and Don and I loved watching her enthusiastic participation at Little Gym. She was doing some pretty fancy stuff on the bars for a kid that’s only 18 months old! She definitely has her daddy’s athletic genes.

Parker loves having me around. I guess that’s because I so love being around her. And for Sarah, it’s a chance to get a break, get to the gym, attend a meeting, have someone else to share the job with. I loved being able to support Sarah. Sar & Gar are amazing parents. That is one lucky baby girl. She is flourishing in every way.

I was enjoying myself so much I could almost forget about all our financial problems. When the four of us talked about what’s going on with our financial situation, Sar & Gar lobbied that we should come live in Seattle. There are some very appealing things about that idea. Seattle felt to both of us to still be very vital-lots going on, people have jobs and money, unlike how it's been feeling in California lately. I thought about how I could build a practice there so much easier than in Sonoma County, where there's not a lot of $, and where I'd be doing a lot of driving. Plus it would give Gar & Sar the support they need to think about having a 2nd baby. But mostly, I would be able to develop a strong bond with Parker, while helping Sarah out. These are good things.

But the thought of selling the house is so disconcerting. It just feels like it would upset our lives in such a huge way, I'm not sure we would ever recover. Don is so rooted here. As am I. I don't want to move. I feel like I've just finally settled in.

Days later...We had a couple of realtors out to see our place, and see the land. We haven't heard back from them yet about what they think the places are worth. I'm thinking about setting up an appt to put this house out for vacation rentals. It's the season, and I think it would help bring in some cash while we try and sell the land. I'm going to add some pics of Long Knoll. It is a spectacular piece of property with 46 acres and a blue water view, lots of trees, two creeks, hiking trails, open grassland, and very green.

The Stages of Life

Don & I are heading off to Seattle for a week to stay connected with our grandbaby. It seems like such an important time for her to have the experience that we are truly in her life. We've all been doing a great job of staying connected even though we live far apart, seeing each other every six weeks or so. It's not ideal, but we're doing the best we can. When she's older, she can come spend some more extended time with us too. I know Sar & Gar would love the break, and we love having her. A win-win. Grandparenting...what a great concept!

I seem to find myself thinking a lot about something I learned about in grad school called Erikson's 'stages of development'. In Erikson's model, each stage of life has important developmental tasks. If the outcome of each stage is good, the person builds on that & successfully navigates to the next stage of life. When the outcome is not as good, the person develops difficulties navigating the next stage. This chart is abbreviated shorthand, but gives an idea of the stages...

Stage	Basic Conflict	Important Events	Outcome
Infancy (birth to 18 months)	Trust vs. Mistrust	Feeding	Children develop a sense of trust when caregivers provide reliabilty, care, and affection. A lack of this will lead to mistrust.
Early Childhood (2 to 3 years)	Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt	Toilet Training	Children need to develop a sense of personal control over physical skills and a sense of independence. Success leads to feelings of autonomy, failure results in feelings of shame and doubt.
Preschool (3 to 5 years)	Initiative vs. Guilt	Exploration	Children need to begin asserting control and power over the environment. Success in this stage leads to a sense of purpose. Children who try to exert too much power experience disapproval, resulting in a sense of guilt.
School Age (6 to 11 years)	Industry vs. Inferiority	School	Children need to cope with new social and academic demands. Success leads to a sense of competence, while failure results in feelings of inferiority.
Adolescence (12 to 18 years)	Identity vs. Role Confusion	Social Relationships	Teens needs to develop a sense of self and personal identity. Success leads to an ability to stay true to yourself, while failure leads to role confusion and a weak sense of self.
Yound Adulthood (19 to 40 years)	Intimacy vs. Isolation	Relationships	Young adults need to form intimate, loving relationships with other people. Success leads to strong relationships, while failure results in loneliness and isolation.
Middle Adulthood (40 to 65 years)	Generativity vs. Stagnation	Work and Parenthood	Adults need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having children or creating a positive change that benefits other people. Success leads to feelings of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in shallow involvement in the world.
Maturity(65 to death)	Ego Integrity vs. Despair	Reflection on Life	Older adults need to look back on life and feel a sense of fulfillment. Success at this stage leads to feelings of wisdom, while failure results in regret, bitterness, and despair.

I'm feeling like I'm not done yet with that middle stage of adulthood from 40-65-- Generativity vs. Stagnation. And I am not quite ready for the last stage of life, starting around 65, called Integrity vs. Despair. But it seems important to think about it. It's about feeling a sense of fulfillment when one looks back over one's life, rather than looking back with feelings of regret & bitterness.

'This place where we are right now', it takes me away from doing what I need and want to be doing in terms of generativity. I want to be completing projects that I started long ago, finishing the memoir, writing a new book I've been wanting to write, work on a major art piece I've been trying to work on for a while now, practice my music so that I feel good about my contribution to our marimba group, and other things having to do with being a therapist, writing, teaching, lecturing, consulting...but instead, I once again find that I need to put my energy into financial issues. For past four years I've barely been able to keep my career and my interests front and center because of the building of this house, and all the financial concerns that it created. I needed to put my own stuff aside to a great degree to be a decent partner to Don in this endeavor that I signed on to. Not to say that I didn't get a great deal of joy out of the house as art project. I loved doing it. And I love the results. So the house is part of our legacy. Makes it even more bitter sweet that we have to now give it up. There's more to say about this, but I need to do other things now...Just to finish, I feel just a bit like I'm complaining here, and I don't want to complain. It's been a great ride-all of it, and I need to keep reminding myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Amen.

Getting real

Today was an honest day. We spent the day together, speaking our deepest truths to each other, crying, staying close. There were apologies, tears, regrets, more apologies...In the end, we were able to put it in perspective, knowing that we could, and will, get through this.

It was a knockout beautiful day here at the Coast.

Our place is so stunningly beautiful it's hard to imagine having to give it up. We are home here but one of the truths that came out today is how there is a way that the place is so powerful, so amazing, that the relationship can sometimes feel secondary to the house and the land. We wonder what it will be like to live life in a regular place, in a regular way.

We strategized, putting the beginnings of a plan in place. We need to take it down a few notches. There's still so much to be done. To rush into selling this place before it's truly finished will cost us dearly. Not to mention the stress & upset. It doesn't make good sense... Step One we're thinking, will be to ready our other property for sale first. Long Knoll is 45 acres a half mile up the hill. Don's dream. We must give it up as well if we are to have a retirement income that will see us through. The worry is what if it doesn't sell? What if this house doesn't sell? These are weird times. Nothing is certain. There are problems with the land, no septic, no water. We'll have to spend quite a lot of money to get both it and the house ready for market, leaving us dangerously close to the edge. But what choice do we have?

It's going to take some time to really get that our life has come to this. We've had a series of serious setbacks that find us in this situation. Investments gone terribly wrong. Our nice neat retirement portfolio in shambles. We worked hard for years to get to a place where we felt we were in good shape--that we could afford to build this dream house, and even buy another piece of property. We were foolish, naive, in denial. It could have worked if the economy kept cooking along. But how could it? It wasn't sustainable for things to keep going up, up, up.

It's time for bed...to be continued.